a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
