Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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