If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
