made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
