Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
