I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
