She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My bed smells like the plague
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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