She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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