Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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