Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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