I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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