Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
