My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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