you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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