How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
