There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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