So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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