I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
the day after is always just damage control
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
As shirtless as possible
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
