Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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