the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
We have started to decorate penises.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
