omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
pop tarts are not kleenex
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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