Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
