I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
