Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Randomize
