god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
