She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
