A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Can't talk, ducks in the car
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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