I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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