I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
