he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
