Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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