Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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