i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
