Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
