this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
