Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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