lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
