Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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