so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
