I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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