My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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