It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
