Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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