you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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