Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Let the clothes fall where they may.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
