y did u give ur computer a hand job?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
