Kareoke will never be a sober sport
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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