he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
My life is pants optional.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
