If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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