I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
whose ass print is on the piano?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
