Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
