is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
