I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
