my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
