i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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