I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
