Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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