gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
