I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
