the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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