I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
