Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
