I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
People in love make me want to vomit
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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