when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
